Wander and Wonder

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It’s Monday night. After a long day on my office, I still can’t go to sleep. I am tired enough, also sleepy enough, but my mind still wandering everywhere. It’s not the first time this thing happen. It’s already happen for more than twice in my life. When I’m too tired and sleepy, but can’t sleep. Unless, I share -write or tell- what I’ve been thinking lately to someone. I almost always chose to wrote my mind down. I should said that mostly my mind wondering about random thing(s). From my family, my job, my future, my happiness, my life, or about the past.

This time I’m thinking about my future, my goals, my happiness, all in one single term, something that I can’t even named it. I believe that my future, my goals and my happiness are related one to another. I absolutely want my future is fulled with happiness and I believe that is my goals. But then I’m thinking again. What kind of happiness I mean? I ever told one of my friend that “happiness is not a point. Happiness is a continuity.” I believe that our goal mustn’t be happiness, because we don’t reach happiness, we reach our goal and ended up get our happiness lies in the right path, the unspecific path  on our way to the goal. I asked myself again and again. What I want to do in my life? One thing that I want to do in my entire life. A particular thing that I should keep doing again and again, one single thing I will related till I die. And then…. I can’t answer it. I want so many things. I really want to try another new things. And yet I don’t really sure that I want to do a specific thing in my entire life. It’s so hard to choose you know.

Back in the time when I still job-seeking, I feel so lost……..I really know what kind of things I DON’T want to do, yet I still wondering about things I LOVE the most. There are times that I already decided what kind of job I want to applied, but then again I remember about so many things and factors that make me keep back in my first way. I always want to try new thing and go little bit out from my comfort zone, but those things made me scared and afraid of failure. I’m too afraid of failure, and choose the very save way as my main way.

But, the question is…Is this the best thing? Is this the right thing? And is this the one I want? I don’t really know the answer. I still try to found it out. I feel happy as I am now, but I can’t lie and don’t admit that I still want to try new things, something far away from my comfort zone. I already found my happiness in my way to this point, but I curious about the happiness I can get in my way to the other thing. I still feels like kid who always change their goals. I am still change it. I don’t really have a specific one beside I want to make my Parents happy and proud. I keep thinking if what I choose now is the best for my future.

I should said that this post don’t help at all. It just make me wonder and wander. I hope whoever read this can thinking too, about their goal and their happiness, also the future that awaits for them to write (or re-write). Whatever I think, I still believe that our happiness is depends on ourselves. We are the one who control it. Our future and goals also our rights to plan it out as we want. You can choose it. You can choose your goals, the one you want to reach in the future. I hope myself can be a bit brave and try new things. Also you too. So next time your mind will not wonder and wander.

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