I read several times, a question about fear, “what is your biggest fear?” That time, I cannot really answer it. I keep thinking, what I fear the most? Randomly, I got the answer just this past week. I have a situation that made me cannot sleep well, I anxious about tomorrow just before I sleep. The anxiety feels hard, I realize it but cannot stop it. I realize, it’s because I try to take and make a big decision in my life. Day by day I feel anxious about what will happen next and how it affects my whole current life. That particular time I know what I fear the most. It’s about ‘the changes’.
I’m a simple person. I usually just said yes just to avoid any conflict and avoid to be a center of attention. I love how things currently running, and when there’s nothing wrong with it, I have no intention to change anything. I realize that I fear the changes itself so much, things keep popping up in my mind, the ‘what if’, the ‘I like my current situation’. I don’t want to change anything in my life now. It all changes from things in my mind into anxiety. I’m anxious about everything in my life, even the next hour I can’t predict what’s on my mind anymore. I lose all of my self-control, ended up having a bad sleep, and I feel even more tired and exhausted when I woke up.
To be honest, this is not the first time I made a big decision and a life-changing moment, but every change I’ve ever made before was basically because I have to and I want to. Moved to a different city, the very first job, or even the recent one, my newest job and to move to a new city. Every change was hard, I should have said. The adaptation part is always my least favorite part, and my adaption rate, well I could’ve said low if not worse. But this time it’s different. It’s like I have the panic attack even before I change it all.
Having a panic attack is the worst feeling of all the time. Sometimes I cannot cope up with it. I want to run away and hide from anyone and stop this all by myself. Now that I had it several time, I knew what I should do about it and how I supposedly handle it. It will be a whole different blog post and I’ll make sure write one 😊